April 7, 2015

Finest Hour 133, Winter 2006-07

Page 39

By Mike Cook

Rules, Britannia, by Toni Summers Hargis. New York: St. Martin’s/Dunne, 208 pages, hardbound, $23.95. Member price $19.15. Preview at: www.rulesbritannia.com.

There even are places where English completely disappears. In America they haven’t used it for years.” —Henry Higgins, My Fair Lady.

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Most of us who cherish things British are aware that there are major differences in the way the English and Americans speak the language. For car people there are substitutes like “spanner” for “wrench” and “wing” for “fender.” However, there are many more serious differences. Using a word or phrase incorrectly in Britain could cause you to be laughed at or might get you a punch in the nose!

Toni Hargis, a native of England who moved to the States in 1990, evidently spent quite a while being either mystified or embarrassed by what her new acquaintances were saying. At the same time, she was baffled when some of her statements were greeted with annoyance or howls of laughter. On trips home she began listening to what Americans found confusing in the UK and what Yank tourists said and did that the British couldn’t comprehend.

Hargis offers twenty-two chapters on topics ranging from “Words That Guarantee Confusion” to “Grub and Other Delicacies” to “Crime and Violence.” Each chapter has its own glossary of British words that may require translation and a list of American words that the Brits (no, they don’t call themselves that) may not understand or may even find offensive. “Pissed off” means the same on both sides of the Atlantic but, while saying “I’m pissed” means being angry in the USA, in Britain it means being drunk.

Visitors who have dined in England know that cookies are biscuits and tea is a late afternoon meal as well as a drink. An “English muffin” was invented Stateside, and the closest thing to it in England is a crumpet (the food, not the girl in the miniskirt). However, don’t be surprised if an English friend invites you to dinner promising a “joint.” You don’t smoke it—the word means “roast” of lamb, beef, etc. In Coventry for breakfast, I was offered a “Bacon Butty,” which turned out to be a bacon sandwich on heavily buttered bread. All these terms are listed in Rules, Britannia along with others like Bucks Fizz (Mimosa) and mange tout (snow peas).

Don’t think of this book as a dictionary. It also delves deeply into manners and customs: How to behave or not behave at a wedding; what is expected in response to an invitation; how much later the British have dinner and go to bed than Americans, etc. Hargis warns seriously about keeping your wallet and other valuables safe because England has a very high crime rate. Yanks know that British policeman are called Bobbies, but have they heard of a “panda car”? It’s a police car—black and white.

This book is genuinely fun to read and provides useful pointers. Next time you’re in an English hotel, if you’re male, don’t call the valet to pick up your pants to be pressed. Pants are underwear—men wear “trousers.” At work, don’t ask for Scotch Tape—you want “sellotape.” And a ball point pen is a “biro,” evidently referring to the inventor’s name. It also tells you what American words or slang will simply not be understood. Fraternities and sororities don’t exist. Homecoming doesn’t happen. Thanksgiving is not a holiday and the British make a lot more fuss over April Fool’s Day, going to serious lengths to avoid making important announcements or bringing out new products on April 1st.

I could go on and on but you should read the book yourself to get the most out of it. Cheery-bye! I’m off to the boozer.

•Mr. Cook is editor of The Vintage Triumph. He was public relations manager for British Leyland and Jaguar Rover Triumph.